Never mind that most of us are tired of hearing about closure after closure of our favorite dirtbike areas because some asshole can’t get with the program and insists on running a loud pipe on his dirtbike. In its latest humorous video installation, Cross Training Enduro Skills cuts to the chase and offers 8 Ways To A Louder Dirtbike.
In this nugget of wisdom, the producers of Ladies, Why Your Man Needs to Ride discuss the science and psychology behind making more noise–and often less power–from your dirtbike by installing a loud pipe. The text below is amply narrated in the video.
“Option one. Just cut the exhaust off at the header pipe. Option two. Add a straight through pipe at the rear. Option three. If you really want a babe magnet, try three straight through pipes. Option four. Amplify the noise through a megaphone. Although this won’t annoy others much. So try option five, sa Marshall stack of speakers which also makes the bike wheelie easier. If you really want to feel the power in your guts, try option six, the rectally inserted straight through pipe. And finally option seven means you won’t miss a single decibel from that combustion stroke. This is based on our highly successful bad ass noise booster for road riders, especially Harley owners. And get more power (maybe 0.4 HP) from derestricting the exhaust pipe. It’s a well known fact that loud dirt bikes and exhaust noise is the best substitute for lack of riding skill. And intelligence. And penis size.
“It takes a special breed of rider to need a louder exhaust and we devised a simple test to see if you need a loud dirt bike. Then we realised this riders usually aren’t literate so essentially if you have a small dick, and even smaller brain, and crave the attention of others, you need a louder exhaust system. If that’s still too complicated just ask yourself am I a dickhead? If the answer is yes, you need a loud pipe.
“Personally, I like quiet bikes but I do understand some guys want a loud dirt bike and an exhaust sound that will rattle their brain and maybe derestrict it for 0.2HP more. In my mid 50s I still like to occasionally crank up the metal music and pound my eardrums. But I do this with earphones. Or in my car with the windows wound up. What really shits me is dirt riders with loud pipes who then ride near houses. Or in a shared area they crank the throttle as they go past hikers, and in their little fuckwit brains they think they are impressing people.
“And don’t get me started on Harley riders with stupidly loud pipes who then hit the throttle in urban areas, and at any given moment hundreds of residents have to listen to a retarded agricultural engine converting fuel into noise instead of power. By law, these dickheads should be forced to listen to Scottish bagpipes for 24 hours, blasting into the ears from a distance of say two inches. Or even better… and I apologise to the Canadians in advance… blast them with Justin Bieber music and Celine Dion. At the same time.
So if your loud bike can’t be heard by anyone else, fine. But if you are annoying other people, then grow a second brain. And leave your stock exhaust on, or at least find an aftermarket one that is still quiet. And try learning to ride properly instead of hoping for an extra horsepower that most of us don’t have the brains or talent to manage anyway. Phew. I’m glad I got that out of my system.”
Your Privacy Choices